exhaustion

I thought I would write about a little thing called exhaustion. You see, exhaustion is my closest companion these days. The crucible event that brought this to my attention occurred yesterday when I boarded the F train headed uptown, as I do everyday, to go to work. Standing near the door and holding onto one of the poles in the tightly crowded car, I noticed I was getting very hot. I began to sweat as the train pulled away from the station. My vision started to go black and I could no longer tell if we were moving or standing still. I gripped onto the pole harder. I heard my bag plummet to the ground, but I could not feel it fall off my shoulder. All I felt was heat and more heat.

I collapsed, my weight falling onto the pole I’d been gripping, my vision gone to pitch black now. The car was crowded enough that when I collapsed, there was nowhere to fall and when I came to, I wasn’t sure if anyone had noticed me black out. I couldn’t tell because I still couldn’t see. It was another minute and a half before my vision returned. All I really cared about was getting off the train anyway. The doors had already closed and we’d left the Broadway and Lafayette station. I counted my way to the next station, trying to stay focused and present. I got off at W.4th Street and walked around the platform, finding my bearings. It felt better to move than stand still.

I walked across to the other side of the platform trying to catch the train back down to my apartment. This proved to be more difficult a task than anticipated and I found myself on the wrong track for the wrong line, still disoriented. Eventually I found the right train, a seat on it, and went home.

I spent the rest of the day in bed for what might have been the most glorious 12 hours in recent memory. I watched bad TV (deliciously trashy bad: Hollywood’s 100 Most Juicy Couples on E!, The Workout on Bravo, etc.), ate strawberries and pineapple, slept, and watched more TV. I skipped work, class, auditions, dinner. I pretended that the world, and my obligations to it, did not exist.

It took my alarm going off four times for me to get up this morning, but I am back at work now, reminding myself that I have only five weeks to go before I am done with school, done with this job, and done with the big life transitions overwhelming me now.

I’m ready for the small time.