Wednesday, April 11, 2007

exhaustion

I thought I would write about a little thing called exhaustion. You see, exhaustion is my closest companion these days. The crucible event that brought this to my attention occurred yesterday when I boarded the F train headed uptown, as I do everyday, to go to work. Standing near the door and holding onto one of the poles in the tightly crowded car, I noticed I was getting very hot. I began to sweat as the train pulled away from the station. My vision started to go black and I could no longer tell if we were moving or standing still. I gripped onto the pole harder. I heard my bag plummet to the ground, but I could not feel it fall off my shoulder. All I felt was heat and more heat.

I collapsed, my weight falling onto the pole I’d been gripping, my vision gone to pitch black now. The car was crowded enough that when I collapsed, there was nowhere to fall and when I came to, I wasn’t sure if anyone had noticed me black out. I couldn’t tell because I still couldn’t see. It was another minute and a half before my vision returned. All I really cared about was getting off the train anyway. The doors had already closed and we’d left the Broadway and Lafayette station. I counted my way to the next station, trying to stay focused and present. I got off at W.4th Street and walked around the platform, finding my bearings. It felt better to move than stand still.

I walked across to the other side of the platform trying to catch the train back down to my apartment. This proved to be more difficult a task than anticipated and I found myself on the wrong track for the wrong line, still disoriented. Eventually I found the right train, a seat on it, and went home.

I spent the rest of the day in bed for what might have been the most glorious 12 hours in recent memory. I watched bad TV (deliciously trashy bad: Hollywood’s 100 Most Juicy Couples on E!, The Workout on Bravo, etc.), ate strawberries and pineapple, slept, and watched more TV. I skipped work, class, auditions, dinner. I pretended that the world, and my obligations to it, did not exist.

It took my alarm going off four times for me to get up this morning, but I am back at work now, reminding myself that I have only five weeks to go before I am done with school, done with this job, and done with the big life transitions overwhelming me now.

I’m ready for the small time.

1 comment:

arideout said...

Hey sis,

not sure if I ever mentioned this to you but I blacked out once at MIT, just like you describe. Felt hot, then couldn't see, etc. I spent a miserable, boring day in the hospital getting checked for head injury (unfortunately I had plenty of room to fall.) Eventually they decided I was fine and said I'd blacked out because of dehydration and low blood sugar. It's too easy to forget to keep up on food and water, especially when you're tired and stressed. Be well!

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