Monday, July 24, 2006

i bet you think this blog is about you

Disclaimer: I DID NOT WRITE THIS (i am thereby still honoring my earlier 'not writing' statement). My friend Rick, a fellow iowa loon who defies description, did. He's pretty funny, but don't tell him that or he'll start asking you to send photos of your boobs and whatnot.

He doesn't like me because I don't return his emails, but if you decide to take him up on his boob request, you might be included in his new project:

PORNTROIDS.
(go to his blog)

I Bet You Think This Blog Is About You

Vanity is one of the seven deadly sins (editor's note: No, it's not (editor's note: there is no editor)).

Vanity is what lead Goldmund to drown in his own reflection. It's what caused Hubris to look directly into the Sun. It's what made me think I could get away with using overplayed intentional misstatements as an affected ignorance. It's what made me think I could post self-aware sentences calling myself out.

Vanity is ugly (but, like, ugly is beautiful), and I just can't look away.

There's nothing more vainglorious, more egotistical, in this world, than the big-britchedness of a personalized license plate (or more apropos: the "vanity plate"). That's what I want to write about today (and I write about what I want to write about because that is my conceit).

I've never seen a personalized plate that I liked. They aren't clever or just or worthwhile. They're blanket statements of what you want the world to think of you (in seven metal-stamped characters (typically)). Rather limiting, no?

You want examples? Here are some I made up.

A lot of customized plates are purely informational: PDOCTOR (for a urologist - the P stands for Pecker). Some are delusional: IAMAWSM (no, you're not). Some are unnecessarily obvious: EZDUZIT (move it, Granny!). Some are confounding: 225 IPG (huh?). Some are out-dated fads: PETROCK (get with the 90s!). Some are current fads: FRNDSTR (or MYSPACE for you suck-ups).

My personalized plate, if I had to choose, would be LCNSPLT. That's how I'd stick it to the man (lower-case "man" cause I don't want to give him more power than he deserves). I'll bore that fucker to death!

Personalized plates are government-approved bumper stickers. "I'm officially an asshole" is the message you're projecting. I'd like to replace your USA4EVR with JIHAD06 and let your beloved America sort you out. You got xenophobe bombed! How you like you now?

I think we need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and question our own vanity (while admiring our incredible good looks).

Damn! IAMAWSM!

Time to call the DMV (the V stands for VANITY (just kidding, it stands for Vagina)).

1 comment:

blogaccount54 said...

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